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JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

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Goatse.AJ

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Post Sun Mar 19, 2017 11:24 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."...




....Mind you, I'm yet to meet a nurse that doesn't. Haven't tried out my theory on Banzy or KT yet though.....
bru21 wrote:What happens in goat, stays in goat!
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GUtripper

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Post Mon Mar 20, 2017 12:34 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

The three sure things in life...
Death
Taxes
Nurses.

Actually there's 4.
Nurses on Tinder :D
My friends aren't holding me back..... I'm pulling 'em forward.
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Goatse.AJ

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Post Mon Mar 20, 2017 8:54 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

GUtripper wrote:.......Nurses on Tinder :D


Stop it! I'm feeling all uneasy that something a dude wrote might give me a chubby.
bru21 wrote:What happens in goat, stays in goat!
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Goatse.AJ

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Post Sat Mar 25, 2017 9:45 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

AFTER an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient, “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you’d like to ask me about?” “In fact, I do,” the old man said. “After my wife and I have sex, I’m usually hot and sweaty and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I’m usually cold and chilly.” A short-time later, the doc examined the patient’s wife. ”Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” He said. “No,” the old lady replied. The doctor then said to her, “Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you have any idea why?” “Oh, that crazy old bugger,” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in July.”..
bru21 wrote:What happens in goat, stays in goat!
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RN

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A speed camera would have prevented that!

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Post Sun Mar 26, 2017 3:34 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm an inspector from Termite Busters," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"
I am the Nightrider! I am the chosen one. The mighty hand of vengeance, sent down to strike the unroadworthy!
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RN

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A speed camera would have prevented that!

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Post Tue Mar 28, 2017 3:51 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

Aircraft faults list prepared by pilots and crew...and the response from maintenance....


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
I am the Nightrider! I am the chosen one. The mighty hand of vengeance, sent down to strike the unroadworthy!
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RN

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A speed camera would have prevented that!

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Post Wed Mar 29, 2017 5:28 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

An 80 year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back
with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks
great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight,
so He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to
the bathroom, Hmm! The light goes on. When I'm done, Hmm! The
light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel,"
he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in
awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during
the night, and Hmm! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, Hmm!
the light goes off?"
"Oh sweet Jesus" exclaims Ethel.
"He's pissin' in the refrigerator again!
I am the Nightrider! I am the chosen one. The mighty hand of vengeance, sent down to strike the unroadworthy!
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Goatse.AJ

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Post Thu Apr 06, 2017 11:31 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

I WAS at the local swimming pool and I decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end. The lifeguard must have noticed, because he blew his whistle so hard I almost fell in!....
bru21 wrote:What happens in goat, stays in goat!
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RN

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A speed camera would have prevented that!

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Joined: Sat Feb 05, 2005 3:46 pm

Location: Check your six.

Post Fri Apr 07, 2017 9:16 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then administered a tender and skillful massage for several long moments and softly asked 'How does that feel'?

Feels wonderful, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
I am the Nightrider! I am the chosen one. The mighty hand of vengeance, sent down to strike the unroadworthy!
<<

RN

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A speed camera would have prevented that!

Posts: 15963

Joined: Sat Feb 05, 2005 3:46 pm

Location: Check your six.

Post Wed Apr 12, 2017 7:14 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

wo ladies were discussing their love lives...

Lady 1: "I have to be careful not to get pregnant."

Lady 2: "Why? I thought Joe got a vasectomy."

Lady 1: "He did...that's why I have to be extra careful."
I am the Nightrider! I am the chosen one. The mighty hand of vengeance, sent down to strike the unroadworthy!
<<

RN

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A speed camera would have prevented that!

Posts: 15963

Joined: Sat Feb 05, 2005 3:46 pm

Location: Check your six.

Post Thu Apr 13, 2017 8:52 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

Thank Christ the Germans lost WW2 or we'd be listening to this crap...it just aint the same.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?annotatio ... yQ295GRZss
I am the Nightrider! I am the chosen one. The mighty hand of vengeance, sent down to strike the unroadworthy!
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Goatse.AJ

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Post Sat Apr 15, 2017 1:33 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

A woman comes home to find her hubby shagging a female midget.

She screamed, "You told me you wouldn't cheat again".

The husband replies, "For fuck sake can't you see I'm trying to cut down"....
bru21 wrote:What happens in goat, stays in goat!
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RN

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A speed camera would have prevented that!

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Joined: Sat Feb 05, 2005 3:46 pm

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Post Sat Apr 15, 2017 2:48 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

Goatse.AJ wrote:A woman comes home to find her hubby shagging a female midget.

She screamed, "You told me you wouldn't cheat again".

The husband replies, "For fuck sake can't you see I'm trying to cut down"....


Short Shagged Redemption
I am the Nightrider! I am the chosen one. The mighty hand of vengeance, sent down to strike the unroadworthy!
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Goatse.AJ

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Post Sat Apr 15, 2017 12:11 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

/\ /\ LOL! :armsup:

Reminds me of the dude up Ballarat way who was caught shagging his Missus' ponies.

She supported him in court the first time, and told the court she'd get rid of the little horses to remove the temptation.

He was caught again about a year later out in the paddock with one of her big horses, standing on a milk crate :shock:
bru21 wrote:What happens in goat, stays in goat!
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St Jimmy

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Post Mon Apr 17, 2017 8:28 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

Superman and Snow White go to a carnival. As they are walking past one of the tents, Snow White notices a banner across the opening saying, 'Worlds Most Beautiful Woman Contest'. She looks at Superman and says please just wait a minute. She enters the tent and 15 mins later she walks out with a ribbon and trophy and a big cheeky grin. She says to Superman I just had to do it, of course I’m the most beautiful woman in the world..

As they walked on further Superman looks up and sees another tent promoting the Worlds Strongest Man Contest.. He looks at Snow White and says, "I gotta do this just wait a minute.."

15 minutes later Superman walks out with smirk carrying a huge trophy and says "Too easy, of course I’m the worlds strongest man."

As they walk further they come across Pinocchio at the end of line going into a tent.

They ask what he is doing and he replies "I’m entering the Worlds Best Liar Contest. This shouldn’t take long wait for me."

An hour and a half later Pinocchio comes out sweating and cursing, kicking the dirt and pebbles around. He looks at Superman and Snow White and says.. ….

"Who the fuck is Malcom Turnbull
slugs are just snails that sold their belongings for drug money

Dream as if you'll live forever, live like you'll die today.
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GUtripper

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Post Mon Apr 17, 2017 6:38 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

^^^^
The bloke who came second to Bill Shorten?
My friends aren't holding me back..... I'm pulling 'em forward.
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RN

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A speed camera would have prevented that!

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Post Sat Apr 22, 2017 11:29 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution the revolting citizens led a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

The drunkard comes to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again, the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention, and they release the drunkard as well.

Next is the engineer. He, too, decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly says, "Hey, I see what your problem is ..."
I am the Nightrider! I am the chosen one. The mighty hand of vengeance, sent down to strike the unroadworthy!
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St Jimmy

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Post Sun Apr 23, 2017 1:51 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

My Thai girlfriend says a tiny penis shouldn't hurt a good relationship, but I still wish she didn't have one! :finger:
slugs are just snails that sold their belongings for drug money

Dream as if you'll live forever, live like you'll die today.
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Goatse.AJ

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Post Sun Apr 23, 2017 7:37 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

A YOUNG virgin was having a few beers to steel himself for his first trip to a brothel. An old drunk gave him some advice. “Listen, son, you’ve gotta act tough or those sheilas will rip you off blind,” he said. The young fella nodded and headed out the door.
When he got to the front counter at the knock shop, longneck in hand, he put a ciggie in his mouth, pulled out a match and struck it on the madam’s nipple to light it. She turned around and bent over. “You fucken beauty, it’s working!” he thought to himself.
Then he asked the madam, “So you wanna do it doggy style, eh?”
“Nah,” she said as she hoisted up her dress and dropped her undies. “I thought you’d want to open your bottle of beer first.”...
bru21 wrote:What happens in goat, stays in goat!
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RN

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A speed camera would have prevented that!

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Post Sun Apr 30, 2017 5:09 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I'll let you know.
I am the Nightrider! I am the chosen one. The mighty hand of vengeance, sent down to strike the unroadworthy!
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Goatse.AJ

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Post Mon May 01, 2017 10:21 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

Coma.jpg
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bru21 wrote:What happens in goat, stays in goat!
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Goatse.AJ

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Post Mon May 01, 2017 11:09 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

Wurst WiFi.jpg
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bru21 wrote:What happens in goat, stays in goat!
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nabstud

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Post Tue May 02, 2017 12:48 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

How often should you look at the chemistry table of elements?

Periodically.
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RN

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A speed camera would have prevented that!

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Joined: Sat Feb 05, 2005 3:46 pm

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Post Tue May 02, 2017 7:57 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young, female and drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional, I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out.

I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny."
I am the Nightrider! I am the chosen one. The mighty hand of vengeance, sent down to strike the unroadworthy!
<<

RN

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A speed camera would have prevented that!

Posts: 15963

Joined: Sat Feb 05, 2005 3:46 pm

Location: Check your six.

Post Tue May 02, 2017 7:58 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day...
I am the Nightrider! I am the chosen one. The mighty hand of vengeance, sent down to strike the unroadworthy!
<<

RN

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A speed camera would have prevented that!

Posts: 15963

Joined: Sat Feb 05, 2005 3:46 pm

Location: Check your six.

Post Tue May 02, 2017 7:59 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She is called Five Horses".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"

The Indian answered, . It means.......fuckin......

NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!
I am the Nightrider! I am the chosen one. The mighty hand of vengeance, sent down to strike the unroadworthy!
<<

RN

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A speed camera would have prevented that!

Posts: 15963

Joined: Sat Feb 05, 2005 3:46 pm

Location: Check your six.

Post Tue May 02, 2017 8:00 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

The missus and I have both made those lists of 5 people that we're allowed to sleep with if we ever get the opportunity. She's picked Johnny Depp, Hugh Jackman, Jeremy Renner, Kiefer Sutherland and Paul Hollywood. I've gone for her sister, her cousin, her best mate, our next door neighbour and the fit bird from the Co-op
I am the Nightrider! I am the chosen one. The mighty hand of vengeance, sent down to strike the unroadworthy!
<<

RN

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A speed camera would have prevented that!

Posts: 15963

Joined: Sat Feb 05, 2005 3:46 pm

Location: Check your six.

Post Tue May 02, 2017 8:01 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

I went for a testicle check up last week. The little Thai nurse cupped my balls and said, "Don't worry, it's quite normal to get an erection during this procedure." I said, "I haven't got an erection." She said "No, but I have
I am the Nightrider! I am the chosen one. The mighty hand of vengeance, sent down to strike the unroadworthy!
<<

RN

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A speed camera would have prevented that!

Posts: 15963

Joined: Sat Feb 05, 2005 3:46 pm

Location: Check your six.

Post Tue May 02, 2017 8:02 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

After insulting her food once too often.

The Wife's not Cooking for me tonight.............

*

Well, it's either that or the Smoke Alarm's fucked
I am the Nightrider! I am the chosen one. The mighty hand of vengeance, sent down to strike the unroadworthy!
<<

RN

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A speed camera would have prevented that!

Posts: 15963

Joined: Sat Feb 05, 2005 3:46 pm

Location: Check your six.

Post Tue May 02, 2017 8:02 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

I was having sex with a girl last night. We did it doggy style and it lasted one hour and thirty minutes...
That's four and a half minutes in human time
I am the Nightrider! I am the chosen one. The mighty hand of vengeance, sent down to strike the unroadworthy!
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