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JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

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RN

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A speed camera would have prevented that!

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Joined: Sat Feb 05, 2005 3:46 pm

Location: Check your six.

Post Wed Jan 31, 2018 8:54 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

Luigi had just finished reading a new book entitled,

You Can Be THE MAN of Your House.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am THE MAN of this house and my word is Law. You'll prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you'll serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, we're going upstairs

And we'll have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax.

You'll wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you'll massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His Sicilian wife Maria replied,

"The funeral director would be my first guess".
I am the Nightrider! I am the chosen one. The mighty hand of vengeance, sent down to strike the unroadworthy!
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GUtripper

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Posts: 2018

Joined: Fri Aug 26, 2005 4:28 pm

Location: Melbourne

Post Wed Jan 31, 2018 9:26 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

DamTriton wrote:Mondays are a shit of a way to spend one seventh of your life.

The average lifespan in Australia is 84 years. That means you have 12 solid years of Mondays. Enjoy.


I don't work Mondays.
Sure, I still turn up though
My friends aren't holding me back..... I'm pulling 'em forward.
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RN

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A speed camera would have prevented that!

Posts: 15963

Joined: Sat Feb 05, 2005 3:46 pm

Location: Check your six.

Post Sun Feb 11, 2018 12:20 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

HEAD OF HOUSEHOLD
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter the Pearly Gates, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines.

One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.

I want all the women to report to St. Peter." Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 10,000 miles long, and in the line of men who were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him." God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

He replied, "My wife told me to stand here."



Can I have an Amen? :D
I am the Nightrider! I am the chosen one. The mighty hand of vengeance, sent down to strike the unroadworthy!
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GUtripper

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Joined: Fri Aug 26, 2005 4:28 pm

Location: Melbourne

Post Thu Feb 22, 2018 10:04 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

An American tourist was driving through the South Island of New Zealand when he noticed a man on the side of the road having sex with a sheep. Shocked, he kept on driving.

A few kilometers further on he came upon a small town, parked his car and went into the pub for a drink.

He grabbed a cold beer, sat at a table, and then took a look around the bar. He immediately noticed a one-legged guy sitting over at a corner table, masturbating without a care in the world.

The American tourist turned to the bartender and said, “What sort of country is this? A few kilometers back down the road there was this guy having sex with a sheep and now that guy in the corner is masturbating in full view of everyone.”

The bartender said, "You heartless bastard. He's only got one leg. How do you expect him to catch a sheep?"
My friends aren't holding me back..... I'm pulling 'em forward.
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Goatse.AJ

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Location: Trip Trip Trappin' across a bridge

Post Thu Feb 22, 2018 11:45 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

/\ /\ /\ LOL! :lol: :lol: :lol: :armsup:
bru21 wrote:What happens in goat, stays in goat!
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RN

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A speed camera would have prevented that!

Posts: 15963

Joined: Sat Feb 05, 2005 3:46 pm

Location: Check your six.

Post Fri May 04, 2018 11:36 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

I got this one today. Appropriate since I am Irish.

The Great Pub Debate

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway , the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.

"Did this actually happen to you?"


"Not me-self, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.
I am the Nightrider! I am the chosen one. The mighty hand of vengeance, sent down to strike the unroadworthy!
<<

RN

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A speed camera would have prevented that!

Posts: 15963

Joined: Sat Feb 05, 2005 3:46 pm

Location: Check your six.

Post Fri May 18, 2018 11:53 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

While strolling around the Marina this morning at about 7am, I saw a character shouting "Allah be praised" and "Death to all infidels" and suddenly he tripped and fell into the water. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown.
Being a responsible citizen and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coast Guard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Department.


It is now 11am, the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have responded.


I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.
I am the Nightrider! I am the chosen one. The mighty hand of vengeance, sent down to strike the unroadworthy!
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date

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Joined: Tue Jan 15, 2008 1:33 pm

Location: Cooma NSW

Post Sat May 19, 2018 11:23 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

A busload of tourists was travelling through the back blocks of Ireland. The guide announced that they were now passing the oldest pub in Ireland.

An aussie voice boomed out from the back of the bus "Why?"
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RN

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A speed camera would have prevented that!

Posts: 15963

Joined: Sat Feb 05, 2005 3:46 pm

Location: Check your six.

Post Wed Jun 06, 2018 10:36 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the
door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an
old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first
the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his
shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall
down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing
both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt
underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and
hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing,
Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously
embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in
the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to
a tractor'."
I am the Nightrider! I am the chosen one. The mighty hand of vengeance, sent down to strike the unroadworthy!
<<

RN

User avatar

A speed camera would have prevented that!

Posts: 15963

Joined: Sat Feb 05, 2005 3:46 pm

Location: Check your six.

Post Wed Jun 06, 2018 10:37 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

Let me tell you, friends, that just one simple spelling mistake--even a typo--can make your life hell.

A friend of mine recently texted a short, romantic note to his wife while he was away on a football weekend, and he missed one small "e".

No problem you might say. Not so! This tiny error has caused him to seek Police protection just to enter his own house.

He wrote, "Hi darling, I'm enjoying and experiencing the best time of my whole life, and I wish you were
her !”
I am the Nightrider! I am the chosen one. The mighty hand of vengeance, sent down to strike the unroadworthy!
<<

RN

User avatar

A speed camera would have prevented that!

Posts: 15963

Joined: Sat Feb 05, 2005 3:46 pm

Location: Check your six.

Post Wed Jun 06, 2018 10:38 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

Three married couples are in a van on a road trip when there is a horrible accident. All three couples are killed and arrive in Heaven. They are working out their arrangements when an angel asks to speak with the guys. He takes them into a giant garage and tells them the next part of the process:

"Here is something you may not know, but the kind of car you get to drive in Heaven depends on how faithful you were to your spouse. You sir, were horrible. Cheated on your wife, had multiple affairs, and felt no guilt. Your car is this broken down rust bucket clunker. Now you, second husband, you were not perfect and had a wandering eye and an encounter or two, but you tried your best and truly loved your wife. Here is a regular average sedan. However, you, husband three, you were the ideal. Loved your wife with all your heart, and never even thought once about cheating. Here are the keys to your exotic convertible supercar.

The guys all decide to try out their new rides and take a cruise down the streets of gold. They all pull up to a stoplight at the same time and begin to check out each other's rides while waiting for the green. The man in the supercar begins to weep.

"Why are you crying?" asked the other two men. "You have the best ride here by far, it's absolutley amazing and beautiful."

The man replied while sobbing, "I just saw my wife on a skateboard..."
I am the Nightrider! I am the chosen one. The mighty hand of vengeance, sent down to strike the unroadworthy!
<<

date

Posts: 529

Joined: Tue Jan 15, 2008 1:33 pm

Location: Cooma NSW

Post Wed Jun 06, 2018 2:21 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

A man was rushing his very pregnant wife to hospital, but he crashed the car badly. Sadly, both he and his wife were killed, but the doctors at the hospital managed to save the babies - a boy and a girl. Several weeks later, the authorities decided that the twins should go to the dead man's brother, who wanted to adopt them and rear them as his own. Before the hospital could release them to him, the brother had to give the hospital the names of the babies.

"Well, this one is Denise", obviously pointing to the girl. The hospital staff were anxiously waiting for him to announce the boy's name. " and this one is de nephew"
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Goatse.AJ

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Joined: Wed Apr 30, 2003 8:09 pm

Location: Trip Trip Trappin' across a bridge

Post Mon Jun 11, 2018 1:17 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

RN wrote:Three married couples are in a van on a road trip when there is a horrible accident. All three couples are killed and arrive in Heaven. They are working out their arrangements when an angel asks to speak with the guys. He takes them into a giant garage and tells them the next part of the process:

"Here is something you may not know, but the kind of car you get to drive in Heaven depends on how faithful you were to your spouse. You sir, were horrible. Cheated on your wife, had multiple affairs, and felt no guilt. Your car is this broken down rust bucket clunker. Now you, second husband, you were not perfect and had a wandering eye and an encounter or two, but you tried your best and truly loved your wife. Here is a regular average sedan. However, you, husband three, you were the ideal. Loved your wife with all your heart, and never even thought once about cheating. Here are the keys to your exotic convertible supercar.

The guys all decide to try out their new rides and take a cruise down the streets of gold. They all pull up to a stoplight at the same time and begin to check out each other's rides while waiting for the green. The man in the supercar begins to weep.

"Why are you crying?" asked the other two men. "You have the best ride here by far, it's absolutley amazing and beautiful."

The man replied while sobbing, "I just saw my wife on a skateboard..."


LOL! :lol: :lol:
bru21 wrote:What happens in goat, stays in goat!
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Goatse.AJ

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Joined: Wed Apr 30, 2003 8:09 pm

Location: Trip Trip Trappin' across a bridge

Post Mon Jun 11, 2018 1:18 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

Thought this should go in "Jokes that make you GROAN", for obvious reasons...

Ford Anal.jpg
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bru21 wrote:What happens in goat, stays in goat!
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DamTriton

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God of Athiests

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Location: Drownsville if not Brownsville

Post Mon Jun 11, 2018 2:08 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

Goatse.AJ wrote:Thought this should go in "Jokes that make you GROAN", for obvious reasons...

Ford Anal.jpg

Meteor, Maverick, Territory....
George Carlin, an American Comedian said; "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realise that half of them are stupider than that".
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