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JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

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RN

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A speed camera would have prevented that!

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Post Fri Jul 24, 2015 3:49 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural northern Minnesota. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence to claim his bird, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New York and, if you don't let me retrieve that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes here in northern Minnesota. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and, being the person he was, decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
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St Jimmy

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Post Fri Jul 24, 2015 6:22 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

Geoffrey Edelsten's having a baby !

Geoffrey went to the doctor for his 1/2 yearly check-up…

The Doctor asked Geoff how he was feeling , and the 72 year old said " things are great and i've never felt better. I now have a 26 year old bride who is pregnant with my child. So, what do you think about that Doc?"


The Doctor considered his question for a minute then began to tell a story.


"Geoff i have an old friend , much like you , who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day on his annual Canada hunting trip he set off in a rush and accidentally grabbed his walking cane instead of his rifle . As he neared the river , he came across a very large male Beaver sitting at the waters edge. He realised at this moment that he'd left his rifle at home and so couldn't take a shot . Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the Beaver like it was his favourite rifle and went Bang Bang !! Miraculously, two shot rang out and the Beaver fell over dead. Now what do you think of that?" Asked the Doctor.


Geoffrey said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that Beaver."


The Doctor replied." My point exactly!" :lol: :lol: :lol:
slugs are just snails that sold their belongings for drug money

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nabstud

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Post Mon Jul 27, 2015 1:32 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

Why did the cross eyed teacher get fired?

She couldn't control her pupils.
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longlux

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Post Tue Jul 28, 2015 5:22 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

I farted in the Apple store once, everyone got mad.
































































































































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DamTriton

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Post Fri Jul 31, 2015 5:35 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

Why do the French like eating snails?

They don't like fast food.
George Carlin, an American Comedian said; "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realise that half of them are stupider than that".
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RN

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A speed camera would have prevented that!

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Post Fri Jul 31, 2015 9:35 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

First Chinese car with back up sensors...


Image
I am the Nightrider! I am the chosen one. The mighty hand of vengeance, sent down to strike the unroadworthy!
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RN

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A speed camera would have prevented that!

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Post Tue Aug 04, 2015 6:51 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

Jim decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes.

His wife was standingthere watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit working on old cars. Maybe you should sell your HSV ."

Jim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't!"
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chris_stoffa

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Post Tue Aug 04, 2015 10:25 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

Two of RN's minions respond to a domestic disturbance with shots fired.
On arrival they discover the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, so they called RN on his cell phone.
"Hello Sarge"
"Yes"
"It looks like we have a homicide here, they report.
"What happened?" asked RN.
"The missus has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped."
RN asks," So, Have you placed her under arrest?"
>
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>
>
>
>
>
>
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"No sir. The floor is still wet.". :rofl:
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RN

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A speed camera would have prevented that!

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Post Tue Aug 04, 2015 8:17 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
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Goatse.AJ

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Post Wed Aug 05, 2015 2:46 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

A couple of AFP officers stopped at a property near Canberra and talked to an old Aboriginal man standing on the road. One said to the old Aboriginal fella, "Morning sir, I need to inspect this land for illegally grown drugs."

The elder reluctantly said, "Okay, but don't go into that paddock over there...", as he nodded his head towards the location.

The AFP officer verbally exploded & said, "Look sir, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!". Reaching into his back pocket, the AFP officer removed his badge & proudly displayed it to the old man. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want, whenever I want................on any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand mate?"

The elder nodded kindly, apologised and went about his business. Moments later he heard loud, fearful screams. He looked up & saw the AFP officer running for his life, being chased by a large bull. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer & it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old Aboriginal fella threw down his tools & ran as fast as he could to the fence & yelled at the top of his lungs...... "YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKING BADGE!"
Last edited by Goatse.AJ on Wed Aug 05, 2015 5:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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toaddog

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Post Wed Aug 05, 2015 4:23 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

Good thing you said AFP otherwise RN and I would have to unleash a can of whooparse on you.
2008 Patrol wagon and 99 Patrol TD Ute
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Goatse.AJ

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Post Wed Aug 05, 2015 5:36 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

toaddog wrote:Good thing you said AFP otherwise RN and I would have to unleash a can of whooparse on you.


I contemplated :lol: :lol:
bru21 wrote:What happens in goat, stays in goat!
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RN

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A speed camera would have prevented that!

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Post Wed Aug 05, 2015 6:01 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

Goatse.AJ wrote:
toaddog wrote:Good thing you said AFP otherwise RN and I would have to unleash a can of whooparse on you.


I contemplated :lol: :lol:


You guys are dick wads.














What would I have been doing in Canberra. :D
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chris_stoffa

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Post Wed Aug 05, 2015 8:27 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

RN wrote:What would I have been doing in Canberra. :D


Going over to the Dark Side of the Force ? ;)
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V8Patrol

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Post Wed Aug 05, 2015 11:26 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

RN wrote:...... What would I have been doing in Canberra. :D ......


inspecting land for illegally grown drugs, then being chased by a large bull, and SHOWING HIM YOUR FUCKING BADGE

:armsup:
And your cry-baby, whinyassed opinion would be.....?
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toaddog

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Tickle me!

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Post Wed Aug 05, 2015 11:29 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

V8Patrol wrote:
RN wrote:...... What would I have been doing in Canberra. :D ......


inspecting land for illegally grown drugs, then being chased by a large bull, and SHOWING HIM YOUR FUCKING BADGE

:armsup:


Probably looking for a offence code for illegally using a horn.
2008 Patrol wagon and 99 Patrol TD Ute
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V8Patrol

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Post Wed Aug 05, 2015 11:30 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

RN wrote:First Chinese car with back up sensors...


Image


:shock:

that's nuts

:armsup:
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RN

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A speed camera would have prevented that!

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Post Wed Aug 12, 2015 7:08 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

I just got off the phone with a friend in Colorado

He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist
high and is still falling.

The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is
increasing.

His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window all day long.

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
I am the Nightrider! I am the chosen one. The mighty hand of vengeance, sent down to strike the unroadworthy!
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RN

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A speed camera would have prevented that!

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Post Wed Aug 12, 2015 7:09 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

toaddog wrote:
V8Patrol wrote:
RN wrote:...... What would I have been doing in Canberra. :D ......


inspecting land for illegally grown drugs, then being chased by a large bull, and SHOWING HIM YOUR FUCKING BADGE

:armsup:


Probably looking for a offence code for illegally using a horn.


Pigs arse... :D
I am the Nightrider! I am the chosen one. The mighty hand of vengeance, sent down to strike the unroadworthy!
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RN

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A speed camera would have prevented that!

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Post Wed Aug 12, 2015 7:26 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

If Car Commercials Were Honest - Honest Ads

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gmQE4qdb9fg
I am the Nightrider! I am the chosen one. The mighty hand of vengeance, sent down to strike the unroadworthy!
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V8Patrol

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Post Sun Aug 16, 2015 9:20 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

After boarding the plane at Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ......."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded," I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when
actually it is the men of Greek descent..
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.”

:lol:
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V8Patrol

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Post Sun Aug 16, 2015 9:26 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

drinking explained.... :finger:

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

:drinking:
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St Jimmy

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Post Sun Aug 23, 2015 12:06 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight; the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush with a large male lion facing her. The wife cried, “What are we going to do?”
“Nothing,” said the hunter husband. “The lion got himself into this mess; let him get himself out of it.”
slugs are just snails that sold their belongings for drug money

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V8Patrol

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Post Mon Aug 24, 2015 8:31 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery.
Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a Trailer Sailer with a coffin in the cockpit.
A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid sailor."
"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners "as a matter of fact, he's headed off to the
launching ramp as soon as we bury his wife."
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V8Patrol

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Post Mon Aug 24, 2015 8:32 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

After 100 years at the bottom of the ocean, divers were amazed to discover that the swimming pool on the Titanic was still full.

;)
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V8Patrol

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Post Mon Aug 24, 2015 8:36 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.
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RN

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A speed camera would have prevented that!

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Post Mon Aug 24, 2015 10:43 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

This guy was not feeling well and went to the doctor for a checkup. They ran a whole lot of tests and called him back in a few days later. The doctor had a big stack of lab reports and said, "Well, we found out what you've got. You've got AIDS, herpes, tuberculosis, mononucleosis, hepatitis A, B, and C, and beri-beri."
"Holy cow, doc! Is there anything you can do for me?"
"Yes, we are going to put you in the hospital and put you on a diet of flounder and pancakes."
"Flounder and pancakes? And this will cure me?"
"Oh, no, but that is the only flat stuff that we can slide under the door."
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chris_stoffa

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Post Tue Aug 25, 2015 1:14 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

V8Patrol wrote:Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.


Ironically if they are disabled then why do people keep using them.

Or

If they are disabled when is someone going to get them working again
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80's_delirious

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Post Tue Aug 25, 2015 9:06 am

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

chris_stoffa wrote:
V8Patrol wrote:Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.


Ironically if they are disabled then why do people keep using them.

Or

If they are disabled when is someone going to get them working again



You guys are sooooo politically incorrect! Its discriminatory to call a toilet disabled, so they're called 'accessible' toilets now
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V8Patrol

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Post Tue Aug 25, 2015 12:40 pm

Re: JOKES THAT MAKE YOU GROAN....

So who fixed it ?
And your cry-baby, whinyassed opinion would be.....?
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